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November 14, 2012
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Your silence irritates me.

My last thought, as I left the meeting, repeated over and over. It haunted me. Taunted me. Greeted by the apocalyptic aftermath of the 100 year war, I stepped out of the pristine room and into the stench of industrial work and burning brimstone. My lungs were packed to the corners, but I didn't waver. Thousands upon thousands of Machines scaled the mountainous, barren landscape. Each of them went about their daily life like the Call to Arms came in one ear and out the other. Maybe they weren't informed by Fel'Strom either.

Ignorance is bliss.

My feet came to a flight of stone stairs. Besides the crowds below, they were my only obstacle to my Pioneer war suit. Blood pumping; momentum building, I took double steps down.

Suddenly over the Machine Works in the distance, I heard the call of a changing heart. "Statix! Wait for me!" It was a feminine voice; the T's were prominently pronounced which made the accent unique. It was Qaliurt no doubt. I turned half way on two different steps, one knee bent awkwardly. Keeping her arms up for balance, she scrambled down the steps, animating a tap dance. She met me with a frantic pant and wheeze.

Resuming casually down the stairs, I ridiculed her, "You've changed your mind, then."

You never spoke anyway.

Her thin lips beamed a smile that went wide, wider than expected to my comment. If they went any wider, the cyan in her eyes would have vanished. The gesture made me feel a slight bit remorseful.

"Sorry for not saying anything back then. Defilers... Necromancers – it all made me think too much."

"That's your problem," I said, thinning my focus to her eyes, "Not saying that's bad-- just certain situations." I stumbled over my words. I didn't want to lash out verbal abuse, but I was known for speaking my mind at times like this. Lightening the blow, I finished, "Thanks for coming anyway."

"Well I couldn't say no. I have another chance to fight with you again. Who could say no to that?" She questioned with a tone full of gloat rather than inspiration. Maybe this was her vibrant ego talking.

I've known you too long.

"Well it's been-- what? Nearly eight hundred years since the end of the War for Dominance. You've waited long enough."

"Long enough," she repeated with a drag on her words.

At the bottom of the flight of stairs, Qaliurt and I made a snappy right turn to the armoury station. Despite it being the most underused area in the Machines Rise, it was still horded. Through the small gaps of each citizen and the large gates of each courtyard, I made my way to Newt, the armourer around here. R.O.M.E in huge steel letters was above the glass door and inside, the task-focused Newt forging armour bare handed.

Calmly opening the door with my hand slipping away, I entered as quietly as possible, not interrupting his toil. His mucky greased hands retreated from station and shook; a rag from under his sleeve revealed itself.

"Enter whoever ya' are." He sang and slithered the rag through his fingers, over viewing his new creation.

From day one, you're still creating.

"Hello, Newt," I warmly greeted and began to approach his dwarfish person with care. A stray screw tested the toughness of my boot as I trod down. The sound of grit and sand being compressed signalled its failure.

Clean up this bombsite!

I gulped a critique that would've put me in his bad books and remained silent until he spoke again. "She's a beauty, huh?" He asked, tossing the soiled rag on his stained workbench that looked like a seat at first.

Another pile of junk?

Before my verdict came to play, I stared down its golden alloy finish; a priceless distorted reflection of me watched intently back.

"Another masterpiece," I lied and looked away.

"I wouldn't say a masterpiece, but thank ya', Whitey." His green eyes leered up to me, a ball-tipped nose rudely pointing. "What'cha here for, lad?"

I replied, "My—" Qaliurt halted my request as she came through the doors, "Our armour."

"Oh. What for?" He rutted his brows into a straight line.

"Fel'Strom hasn't told you, either?"

"Fel'Strom? Me? Nah, we never mingle!" He laughed heartily and went to up to the water dispenser in the corner. With a quick flick on the rusty valve, the pipes went whistle and squeak, sending water out of the pipe and into his dry mouth.

"There's another war," I said to him. With a wide grimy eye, he backed away from the dispenser; excess water trickling to the floor from his furry beard.

The frown he held went from straight to askew in bafflement, "Another... war? With what?"

"With whom," I corrected quickly and furthered, "And It's with these so-called Defilers."

A smile appeared around his face that brought out his dimples and wrinkles. "Defilers, eh? What did they do? Ruin Toxotee's chance of gettin' a gal?" His joke glided across my head and out the window. I forged a false grin nonetheless.

"No, actually. Fel'Strom told me this… 'Alliance' can't handle them. Our armies can't handle them, either. So she's called for the Pioneers."

"Ah, I see. Where's that chompy face, horse lookin' buffoon, Jadgidaius? He's a Pioneer, too, a'ight?"

Such an accurate description.

"Yeah he is, but he denied the mission." I explained with disappointment that clouded my throat.

"Heh! No surprise," Newt grumbled, basking in my frustration.

Randomly he dashed his head side to side, hands patting over his grubby working clothes. The hands came to a sudden break at his lower stitched pocket. He ruffled through his near-torn leggings and yanked out a chrome key that glimmered.

"No dilly-dallying. This way to yer gear, guy 'n' gal." He smiled with chapped lips open and led us to a greyish door, the key freely whirling on his finger.

It's time to reunite with an old friend.
Part 1 of a side story to my main story line: The Rise of the Defilers.

I'm challenging myself to stick to 1000 words only to not overdo descriptions and to keep the structure simple with most questions asked.

These characters are seen in the main storyline, but this will show you their side of events in the war.

Another side story to my main storyline - the Pholion Exodus! [link]

Main storyline fight between Sanguisus and Yuji Sh'Okabe - [link]

The map of Europa can be found here - [link]

What on Europa is a Pent'Shuno? Look here - [link]

Part 1 - [link] - The Meeting
Part 2 - [link] - The Engineer
Part 3 - [link] - The Crown
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:iconmaryevans:
Okay, I am going into nuts and bolts again since I have a few extra minutes to spare. :)

In terms of language and style, while your word choice is definitely improving, you should be careful with sentence structure, especially fragments and run-ons. Also make sure it is coherent instead of focusing too much on making it complex and fancy.

“I turned half way on two different steps, one knee bent awkwardly.” – too detailed. While details are nice, try to leave something to the imagination. If you find yourself explaining every angle of the posture and square of the ground you are doing it wrong (unless it has a significant meaning and matters to the plot).
A note for the two sentences following that. While they are nice and all, by themselves, the first doesn’t exactly flow into the second. I’d suggest you go over them again and in general make sure that in the same paragraph the sentences and actions “flow” into one another.

Another example would be this: “Her thin lips beamed a smile that went wide, wider than expected to my comment. If they went any wider, the cyan in her eyes would have vanished. The gesture made me feel a slight bit remorseful.”

The first sentence ties up great with the third, but the second interrupts the flow as while it flows with the first it “contradicts” the third. I don’t really know if I can explain this clearly, it’s just a feeling I get from the text, I could probably describe it in terms of grammar if I researched a bit but I don’t think that’s necessary. I do hope you get my point though.

“thinning my focus to her eyes” – “bringing my focus to her eyes,” or simply “focusing on her eyes,” or any other way in which you could go around the word “thinning.” Also always look at a sentence, if it can be said simpler, do so.

“but I was known for speaking my mind at times like this” – no. Just no. This is exposition about how a character is like. Never, ever, ever do that in first person unless it has a specific point, here it doesn’t. Let the reader make that conclusion instead by showing the character’s behaviour and interactions with other characters.

“Lightening the blow” it wasn’t exactly a blow… but I guess you can go with it. I’d just advise you to be careful with action and description match up, make sure they fit together and you don’t end up over or under emphasizing. If a planet explodes, it’s not simply a day of the life of a creature living on it. On the other hand if an ant crosses one’s path it is not the greatest obstacle one has faced (unless they have an ant phobia of course). Understand what I am getting at? While a character can exaggerate a situation in describing it, the narration following it should not (unless of course it’s to make a point as it was with my ant phobia remark).

“tone full of gloat” – word choice, specifically “gloat,” you can do better.

“Calmly opening the door with my hand slipping away” – with my hand slipping away? It’s not clear, I find myself unable imagine the action, all I can do is make educated guesses.

“His mucky greased hands retreated from station and shook; a rag from under his sleeve revealed itself.” – odd.

“began to approach” – approached, I see no reason for began when there is no action interrupting it.

Dialogue is definitely improving, keep up the good work.

“dashed his head” – tilted, shook, turned, never dashed.

Towards the ending the narrative becomes a tad hard to follow.

Overall good job. I don’t know if anyone has already pointed out but I thought I should: I don’t know your intention (as in what you want to do with it), but this far this story is not exactly self-contained. In the scope of a larger series it would fit nicely, but if you want to present it as it is, solo, chances are you are going to leave the reader with a lot of uncertainties and questions or plainly be unable to draw them in. Just something to have in mind, again I don’t know what you intend to do with it just make sure you either establish the world better or incorporate it into a series.
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:iconkathraw:
KathraW Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012
I like Newt. He makes me smile ^-^
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:iconmattchewbackaar:
Mattchewbackaar Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'll keep him in the rest of story then =D Next part coming soon, very soon.
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:iconkathraw:
KathraW Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012
That last part seemed slightly ominous, but I'm glad none the less. XD
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:iconemowraith:
EmoWraith Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012
I like it. You should describe your characters more though.
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:iconmattchewbackaar:
Mattchewbackaar Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you =) and I would, but the 1,000 word challenge I've put myself under, I try to fit in as much as I can before my restriction.

Will keep it in mind, however.

Thank you very much =) glad you enjoyed the story.
Reply
:iconemowraith:
EmoWraith Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012
Glad to hear it. Can't wait to read more.
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:iconmattchewbackaar:
Mattchewbackaar Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Proofreading the next part :reading: - should be up by tomorrow!
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:iconemowraith:
EmoWraith Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012
Awesome, I'll read it when it's up and tell you what I think.
Reply
:iconmattchewbackaar:
Mattchewbackaar Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's here ready for reading - [link]

Enjoy!
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